Over the last year, I have become a home wrecker and destroyer of marriages. Men, keep your wives away from me. You might think it is because I am a dead ringer for Brad Pitt. He's richer, smarter, and better looking than I am. Damn, he is also a better actor. But outside of that, we could be twins. Venturing back to reality, I wreck marriages with tax returns.
In the middle of last tax season, a female business owner called me to get copies of her company's tax returns for the prior two years. I had to tell her that the last two years' returns had never been completed. A few years ago, her husband had quit his job to help her run her business. She had relied on him to coordinate the preparation of the tax returns. He had done precisely nothing.
Her business is a multi-level marketing business. These businesses, typically Amway or something similar, never make money. At least statistically they never make money. Her business makes a lot of money. It is unique. I have never seen anyone make money like this in multi-level marketing. Making money in multi-level marketing is about as likely as winning the lottery. Of course, I have some clients who have won lotteries. So it happens – just like people win once in a while in Las Vegas – just not very often. If people won very often, Las Vegas wouldn't exist. I was more surprised that she was making money in this business than I would have been if she told me she had won a $150 million lotto jackpot. The lotto odds are better.
Not only had her husband not arranged for the tax returns to be prepared, he hadn't even done the bookkeeping for the two years. I arranged for her to see a bookkeeper, who got the work done in less than a month. Then we prepared the business tax returns. As a result, she owed a lot of money. I mean a lot of money to the IRS – plus penalties and interest.
As you can imagine, she wondered exactly what her husband had been doing for the past two years if he wasn't doing anything on the administrative end of the business. He had nothing to do with sales. She did that. She was a little more than mildly peeved. Here's a hint for all the men reading this. If you are going to work for your wife's business, you should actually do some work. Sloth isn't sexy.
This whole situation caused enough tension in the marriage that they soon separated and are on the way to a divorce. Normally being the sexist I am, I would side with him. No chance here. As George Thorogood sang, “Get a haircut and get a real job.”
I broke up another marriage a couple weeks ago. Right after tax season, I prepared and presented a draft tax return to a married couple. They had some changes and comments. I revised the return and gave them an updated draft. Weeks went by with no word from them. If we prepare your tax returns, you know that our web-based client center sends automated e-mail reminders when we give you a tax return draft. Every five days, you get a reminder until you approve the draft, and we are able to finalize the returns. After a couple of months, I also begin sending out personal reminders just to get the process moving.
On a Monday, I sent a personal e-mail reminder to this couple. The following Wednesday, the husband called me. I expected the conversation to be about finalizing the draft tax returns. I was surprised that he wasn't calling about the draft. He called to ask some tax planning questions for the current year.
“Frank, I am hoping to avoid owing taxes the way we did for 2010. How can we change our exemptions to not owe money for this year?”
“Dan, the 2010 returns haven't been finalized.”
“Why not?”
“Because you haven't approved the draft I posted a couple months ago.”
“My wife was supposed to handle that. She handles all of the finances.”
Oops – I stepped into a steaming pile of poo with that conversation. He continued, telling me about how he no longer believed they were real partners in the marriage. He told me she was hiding things from him – financial things. I felt like I was in the opening scene of an Investigation Discovery episode. In the next scene, a dead body floats down the Potomac River into Georgetown to be found by a collegiate rowing crew. The only question is, “Whose body?”
Now you see how I have become a home wrecker. Here is some advice for married couples when it comes to family finances. First, leave me out of it. Second, marriage requires complete honesty in financial affairs. Third, leave me out of it. I ain't no Dr. Phil.
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