How to Change Someone's Mind in 5 Easy Steps

The ability to change other people's minds about something is a critical business skill, but most people approach mind-changing as a rough, forceful, ego-driven exercise in futility.

With this approach, even if you manage to get the other person to agree with you verbally, there is a good chance that they don't actually agree with you - they just want to get far, far away from you.

If you are approaching mind-changing like a bulldozer, you are doing it wrong and just pushing people away instead of getting them to truly understand and adopt your position.

Here are 5 easy steps to truly change minds:

1. Ask questions
A big mistake when trying to change someone's mind is assuming that you both have the same knowledge base. Remember that other people can't read your mind, and you can't read other people's minds, either. Ask a lot of questions before you begin trying to change anything so that you can really understand the other person's perspective. An added benefit of asking questions is that it demonstrates to the other person that you care about their opinions, which lowers the automatic defensiveness that usually gets triggered in an ego-driven debate. 

2. Clarify goals

When you enter a negotiation, you really need to understand what your goal is. If your only goal is to change the other person's mind, there's not much point in investing the time and energy in the activity. It's really just an ego thing at that point. Only invest in meaningful debates that will actually impact your business success. Talk to the other person to better understand their goals, then clarify your own goals. Usually, you can find some mutual ground and identify that there are some things on which you already agree. Surprisingly, you will find that often you both want the same end result, but you are disagreeing on the path to get there.

3. Use inclusive language (we, us, our)
When debating the points of your argument, avoid pointing your finger at the other person and saying things like "You always say that," or "You just don't understand." These statements are defensive, and indicate that you are taking no responsibility for your role in the negotiation. I'm not saying you should take sole responsibility, but no matter what the issue is, you play a role. Also avoid constantly using "I" statements like "I really need this," or "I know more than you." Using the word "I" can also be a defensive mechanism. Using "you" and "I" puts a wall between the two sides of the argument, and that wall can be hard to tear down. Instead, use inclusive language like "we," "us" and "our" as much as possible. For example: "Can we find a way to work this out," or "I think we both want the same thing, just in different ways." This signals to the other person that you are on the same team. 

4. Show (Don't Tell)

At this point in the mind-changing discussion, you should be able to bring in some relevant examples to show the other person what you mean. A bulldozer makes broad statements like "you always do this wrong," but an effective mind-changer shows the other person the impact of the behavior or belief you are trying to change. For example, if you are trying to get an employee to take more time grammar and spell-checking emails before sending them to customers, you can show him emails that you have received from customers complaining about sloppy communication. Or you could tell the employee that some customers have been asking if your sales team is outsourced to another country due to poor language skills.   

5. Look for the win-win
Changing minds is about finding the win-win, not about actually winning a debate. This is because winning means that someone else is a loser, and losers typically don't feel good about the other side. Look for ways that both of you can feel accomplished at the end of the conversation. This may involve conceding some points that you don't feel too strongly about in exchange for the big picture. For example, if you would like your staff to follow a 10-step safety procedure, and they want to revise No. 7, you might be able to incorporate their feedback. This allows them to "win" something, and thus the entire conversation feels less combative and more collaborative.

Changing someone's mind can be surprisingly easy and quick when you approach it with these five concepts in mind vs. as a bulldozer.   

Check out my Slideshare presentation on productivity if you want to learn more: