Reincarnated as an IRS Agent

Every Saturday morning, I am awakened by a little bitch licking me. She offers to lick Laura as well, but Laura isn't into that. To get licked by a twelve year old bitch, most men have to travel to Thailand and spend thousands of dollars. I get licked for free right here in Ashburn, Virginia. Please put down the phone. You don't have to dial 9-1-1 and have the Loudoun County PoPo pick me up. I am not a pedophile (and Richard Nixon wasn't a crook). The twelve year old bitch is our Jack Russell Terrier, Sidney. Jack Russell terriers lick, because it's an essential part of what they do and who they are. IRS agents do what they do, because they are who they are. Is Shirley MacLaine dead? That's a trick question. You can't kill her, because she'll just be reincarnated. Imagine you did something really bad in your life – not something like running over an old lady in a crosswalk. Something really bad – like shooting up an entire nursing home (or quarterbacking the Dallas Cowboys). Then during your getaway, you die in a hail of gunfire. God hates you so badly that he doesn't just bring you back as something low like Charlie Sheen. He brings you back as an IRS agent. Here is what every day of your reincarnated life looks like. You work on the 1-800-829-1040 IRS phone line. Thirty times a day you answer the phone, “Ms. Purgatory, badge number 666. How may I assist you?” On the other end of the line, some scumbag is trying to bullshit you into why he shouldn't have to pay his taxes like everyone else. He has ignored a half dozen or so threatening notices from the IRS, and his employer has now received a garnishment notice. He asks you why you think you have the constitutional authority to seize his money. He'll quote a legal opinion from some moron, who is now serving five years for tax evasion. Of course, he doesn't know that. He just bought the guy's pamphlet off the internet. After thirty minutes, the guy screams at you one last time and then hangs up. Repeat this another thirty times each day. It's a wonderful life. Out of a hundred phone calls, you probably talk to two or three reasonable people, who have reasonable requests. That's a ninety-seven percent ratio scumbag ratio. How would that influence your regular daily attitude towards the taxpayers who call you? After a while you start treating everybody like scumbags. Welcome to the world of an IRS agent. The bad dream is over, and you can wake up. You are not an IRS agent, but you have learned something essential if you have to call the IRS. You are a scumbag by default. Everything you say is a lie unless you have proof. How can you ever get any issues resolved in this environment? You must differentiate yourself from the normal scumbags an IRS agent talks to every day. The way to differentiate yourself is to be reasonable in all your dealings with the IRS. Call when you receive the first IRS notice – not the sixth. Every time you call about an issue, the IRS agent will log your contact in their seventies era computer system. The next time you call, another agent sees the history and sees that you have promptly responded to every notice. That history of response buys credibility. Also, when given a deadline to do something, do it on time. Every IRS agent you talk to has the ability to help you or screw you. You can persuade an agent to be helpful with a good response history. Filing deadlines will be extended, and penalties will disappear – all because you have separated yourself from the scumbags.