I Almost had a Positive Experience with the IRS

I am a victim of domestic abuse. No, Laura isn’t beating the crap out of me. Maybe she should, but she is a gentle and affectionate person. No, Jennifer Aniston’s bodyguards didn’t beat the crap out of me. I’m a stealthy stalker. The twelve year old bitch from my last blog is terrorizing me. Apparently, she wants something in return for a good licking. Last Thursday, she pinned me down against the couch with her front paws and demanded some heavy petting. No means no – even to Jack Russell terriers. When she was done abusing me, she left a ten inch deep gash across my chest. Actually it was a two inch scratch, but this is a blog. So I get to exaggerate.

Most people feel a similar sense of abuse after dealing with the IRS. There is even a sense of shame that maybe they aren’t being good citizens and deserve some abuse from the IRS for owing back taxes. Since I get paid to deal with the IRS, I don’t feel shame, except as a US citizen that they represent our country. I normally feel exasperation. While on hold with the IRS, you will frequently find me on Facebook lamenting my life as a tax preparer. I used to work on other tasks while on hold, but I found that I wasn’t being productive. When I call the IRS, I normally have a stack of paperwork related to why I am calling on my desk. As soon as an IRS representative picks up the line, I want to be ready to launch into the facts of my client’s situation. If I am working on something else, I have to put that quickly away and retrieve the paperwork for the call. That takes time, and I found I wasn’t immediately effective and organized in presenting my case. Like rabid dogs (and Jack Russell terriers), IRS agents smell fear and uncertainty.

Last Wednesday, I almost had a positive experience with the IRS. In a ritual I have performed a dozen times this summer, I called the IRS to arrange for a payment agreement for a client. He owed a mid five figure amount for a couple years and needed some time to pay off the balances. I had his paperwork spread out on my desk and was listening to the on-hold IRS music. The music doesn’t have lyrics, but I imagine if they did, they would go something like, “You suck, deadbeat. Wait ‘til we get a hold of you.” The refrain would be, “Now we’re gonna levy your bank account, ha ha ha.” Imagine this sung by Yoko Ono. That’s how much pleasure I get from their on-hold music.

After an interminable forty minutes on hold, an IRS agent picked up. “My name is Ms. Satan, badge number 666. How may I assist you?” This translates as, “I am looking to bleed you dry as soon as you give me a little information, you filthy deadbeat.” However, I am used to the attitude and jumped into my spiel about getting a payment arrangement for my client. I know that if you propose a monthly payment amount that gets the tax liability paid in three years or less, you have a good chance at success. Nonetheless, I then had to listen to her rehearsed spiel. We were dancing together with her in the lead. She made me prove I had a power of attorney for the client. I had faxed it two months earlier, but it still wasn’t in the IRS records. So I had to run to our fax machine and fax it to her directly. This is why I need everything quickly accessible on my desk. Then she let me lead as I proposed a monthly payment amount that my client had agreed to present as affordable.

She took the lead again and asked me if I had a completed form 433-F. That form is a collection information statement that lists a taxpayer’s financial information so that the IRS can determine the maximum payment that a delinquent taxpayer can afford before emptying the bank accounts. I knew that form didn’t apply, since my client was self-employed. The more complicated forms 433-A and 433-B applied, and I had them prepared and ready to fax to her. However, she insisted that form 433-F was the correct form and proceeded to start asking me the questions from that form. This was fine with me, since I had all of the information required by that form and much more – information that I was happy not sharing. I called up a copy of a blank 433-F form on my computer screen so that I could anticipate the questions she would ask and have answers available immediately. Very rarely, will an IRS agent take the time to delve this deeply into a situation in the hopes of reaching an immediate deal.

She then asked me what we were proposing as a monthly payment. She knew as well as I did that my proposed payment amount would get the liability paid in three years or less. She told me she thought the amount would work and that she needed to put me on hold to reference some information on my client that wasn’t directly available on her computer terminal. Five minutes later, she returned.

“We have a problem,” Ms. Satan said. “I see that we have received your client’s 2009 tax return, but it isn’t processed yet. So I can’t determine the actual balance due.”

We had mailed the 2009 tax return at the very beginning of the summer. There were maybe a hundred numbers to keypunch from the return. That should take maybe an hour – if you type with one finger. I’m thinking middle finger here. After three months, the IRS hadn’t been able to process this. The really funny, or actually sad thing, about having to wait more than three months to process a tax return is that IRS employees, including their top executives, don’t see anything wrong. If you talk to them, they give you a funny look like, “What the hell planet are you on where they process work in less than three months?” That planet would be earth, i.e. the real world, someplace they never visit.

I had a similar problem this past winter with the tax returns for an elderly lady, who had not filed returns for three years. When you don’t file your returns, eventually the IRS makes up a return for you based on information they have in their computer records. It is never a good idea to accept their return. So we filed all of the back returns. Meanwhile, over a period of six months, they began to send ever more urgent threats to empty her bank accounts. Finally, in July, they processed the returns and stopped the collection actions. They harassed an old woman for most of a year. That makes for happy public relations.

My call with Ms. Satan wasn’t destined to have a totally happy ending, but it wasn’t a total disaster either. She agreed to place a six week hold on collections activity to allow some time to get the 2009 tax return processed. Of course, she expects me to monitor the six weeks and check back in with them again. That’s my responsibility?? When we are behind in our company’s work, I walk down the hall and tell somebody to start hauling ass. But again, I live in the real world.

I was informed a few minutes ago that my future wife, Jen Aniston, was in Washington DC this week. Surprisingly she never looked me up. She knows I’m a busy guy, but I would move some things around and make time for a lunch date with her. She shows no appreciation for all I have done for her career.

As always, if you are looking for useful (it hurts when I write that) tax and accounting information, go to our S&K web site http://www.skcpas.com.

Thanks for reading!! Frank