There are other ways your priorities get hijacked besides telephone / e-mail emergencies and reverse delegation. During breakfast two mornings ago my mother-in-law committed criminal felony third degree assault on my priorities. She raped my morning schedule. To understand how she did that, I will tell you my normal morning routine. When my routine is disrupted, I erupt like Mount Vesuvius spewing all sorts of profane ashes on the person responsible for the disruption.
I get out of bed at exactly 6 A.M. every morning. By exactly, I mean when the alarm goes off at 6 A.M., my ass gets out of bed. I don’t get up at 6:10 or even 6:02. If I wanted to get up at one of those times, I would set the alarm for one of those times. I then shower, shampoo and wash myself in exactly the same order each morning. I dry off and walk three steps, exactly three steps, to the sink, where I shave and brush my teeth. I pivot 197 degrees and walk back into the bedroom, where I get dressed. Next, I walk downstairs using the stair case that leads directly into the kitchen. I never use the curved one that leads to the front door. I won’t explain why. There is a good reason, but you might think I’m crazy - like you don’t already. I go outside through the single garage door not the double wide door, pick up the newspaper, and bring it back inside. I take out the sports section and place it on the breakfast nook table in front of the left chair that backs up to the window to the back yard. Then I prepare breakfast which consists of a banana, two slices of double fiber whole wheat bread spread with peanut butter fortified with omega three fatty acids from flaxseed oil. Why did I take you through the tedious detail of my mornings? Because standardizing my morning frees my mind to set out my work day’s priorities. That is my point.
Two mornings ago, I had just placed the newspaper in its proper place, when I noticed my mother-in-law standing in the hallway leading to the front door. This is NOT part of my morning routine. At the 6:45 point in my routine, she is supposed to be still in bed. Like a dumb ass, I asked her why she was up so early. I know she has a Bible study meeting one morning each week, but she doesn’t have to get up early to get there. Then the crime was committed. She had gotten up early to ambush me. She then informed me that someone was not in the proper bedroom the previous night. Let me tell you that no boys were in any of my daughters’ bedrooms. So you can understand when I tell you I didn’t give a damn. I didn’t give a half damn. My mind that morning was deep into considering how to pry a $225K tax refund out of the I.R.S. for a client. My second priority was helping a client find a million dollars or so of working capital. In my personal priority list, someone being in the wrong bedroom was about the 475 billionth item on the list. But she continued. It was clearly the most important thing on her priority list.
Physicists tell us that our universe is likely not the only universe. There are alternative universes all around us. Our laws of nature probably don’t apply in these other universes. These universes might be very large or very small. In my mother-in-law’s universe, tracking the occupants of our bedrooms is the highest law of nature. Her universe is very small. In my universe, different laws of nature apply. I shall explain why her behavior is a crime in any normal universe.
There are three methods of human communication. Do you know what they are? No, they are not radio, television, and newspapers. The three methods or purposes of communication are to amuse, to inform, and bitching. I will define them for you.
Amusement and information are pretty easy to define. In both of these types of communication, the purpose of the communicator is to leave the target of the communication in a better position than previously. For instance, when Larry the Cable Guy makes fun of his fat relatives, we are amused. We feel better. So therefore, we are better off. Similarly when someone gives us information, we are better off. When we tell a child, “The stove is hot”, we are imparting useful information.
Bitching is everything else. If the purpose of the communication is not to improve the target’s life in at least some small manner, it is just bitching. My former mother-in-law is an expert. She is a wonderful person, who raised a family as a single parent in difficult circumstances. However, she bitches as a way of making conversation. If the sun is out, she complains that we need rain. If the weather is rainy, she gripes because the sun isn’t out. My current mother-in-law committed the crime of bitching. Nothing she was telling me was for my benefit. Her intent was to create drama and enrage me. It worked.
Because my priorities don’t matter very much in my own house, I stormed out. I was still hungry, so I drove to the I.H.O.P. near my office. I went to the I.H.O.P. not just for the food. I went for the lack of conversation. I went because none of the wait staff speaks English. I envisioned breakfast going as follows. “I will have numero tres from the menu, senorita.” She would then bring me numero dos and then flip this gringo the numero uno sign. I used to think big restaurants were making a mistake in hiring people who don’t speak much English. Now I think it is a fine business decision made in our best interests.
Everyone has a bad day once in awhile. Clearly my mother-in-law was having one. The bedroom issue clearly bothered her. However, the other seven billion of us on the planet might have other priorities. What do I do when I have a bitchy moment? Our dog, Sidney plays a major role. When I come home from work in a bad mood, ready to indulge in a good bitching / pity party session, Sidney follows me upstairs and listens while I change into casual clothes for the evening. When she barks, I imagine that she is telling me, “Frank, you are right. Everyone else in the world is a total idiot. You are an absolute genius. You have every reason to gripe.” Of course, I don’t speak Jack Russell terrier. She could just as easily be saying, “Who cares moron? Get me a chicken treat.” I prefer to believe the former.
Charles Darwin wrote about the origin of human communication in his not so famous unpublished manuscript called, The Evolution of Human Communication. In his book, he described why dogs became the caveman’s best friend. After a long day of hunting mastodon, a caveman would come home to his wife and mother-in-law. They would tell him that people were sleeping in the wrong rooms in the cave. Facing that, is it so surprising a mangy, snarling wolf would look like good company?
Those of you who graduated from college with communications degrees probably feel pretty stupid at this point. I have just taught you more about communications than you learned in four years of diligent university study. If you had just read these pages, you could have graduated magna cum smart ass. What is the point you can apply to your business tomorrow? Expressing displeasure at having your priorities hijacked is acceptable. Your universe will be a happier place. Train your employees to respect your priorities.
Maria is founder and Chief Strategist at Red Slice, a branding and marketing consultancy, and has worked with large companies such as Accenture, Business Objects, Discovery Networks, Monster.com and Microsoft as well as technology start-ups and small businesses like CRAVE and Mudbay in Seattle. She is the author of Branding Basics for Small Business (2010, Norlights Press). 
