Many of you know March 15this the tax filing deadline for calendar year corporations. Give yourself a pat on the head if you know that. However, not many people know that the entire week is a national holiday called, National Smack a Bookkeeper Week. President Obama signed this holiday into law to commemorate the criminally inept things bookkeepers do during the busiest week of a CPA's tax season.
Last night I made the mistake of checking my e-mail one last time before I headed home. I was hoping to get messages from a couple of clients that I could finalize their corporate tax returns. Instead I was treated to a message with the happy sounding “K-1 error” in the header. Instead of murdering the nearest person, I kicked a chair across the room instead. That was before I even read the message. I know when I get a message like this, somebody wants me to change a tax return I did a month ago.
We give all of our corporate tax clients draft returns to review before we finalize the returns. Silly me, I think this would be an excellent time for them to question amounts, ask questions, and get satisfied that the amounts on the tax return are correct. In reality, what happens is that too many of them blindly approve the drafts. Then we finalize the returns. This is usually in February. Then in March within a day or so of the filing deadline, they look at their tax returns and say “Oh my God! I can't pay taxes on all that income. The tax returns must be wrong.” Then they want us to answer a dozen idiot questions that don't change their income at all. If they asked these questions back when we were in the draft stage, no problem. Asking the questions on March 14th or 15th is a big problem. I have just few hundred things going on those days. The last thing I have time for is revisiting old tax returns. I break some piece of office furniture almost every year on March 14th. Heavy drug use doesn't seem to curb my behavior. Calculators are my favorite target. When I walk by the calculator display at Staples, I hear them whispering.
I picked up the regrettably unbroken chair and read the message. A bookkeeper for a client was telling me I had made a grievous addition error on a corporate tax return that we had completed and filed a couple weeks earlier. She noted that one of my totals on the return, consisting of five numbers, was incorrect. I kicked the chair again – still not broken.
I know a little fact she doesn't. I didn't add up the five numbers and then enter a total. I entered the total, and our tax program breaks it up into the five individual numbers based on percentage of ownership for the owners. Over the last ten years, probably 200,000 corporate tax returns have been filed with this tax program. Don't you think someone might have noticed this bug before she did?
I added up the five offending numbers on my adding machine. Surprise, surprise Gomer Pyle, the numbers added correctly. Then I did it again – same answer. I was using a little technique, those of us in the biz, call double taping. That is we run two adding machine tapes to see if we get the same number both times. According to my fine Clarion University math training, I know that you should get the same answer both times. Math is funny that way. Apparently bookkeepers don't get the same training. Maybe that is why we are called CPA's – Certified Public Adding machine operators.
The truly amazing thing about her message was that she pointed out exactly what had caused my error. It was a number that we had discussed back when we were preparing the returns. Unfortunately that number was totally irrelevant. She had just mis-added the five amounts – that simple. Of course after finding one grievous criminal error on my part, she proceeded to question a couple other amounts on the tax returns related to alternative minimum tax (AMT). Ask around a bit. If you find a bookkeeper with even a rudimentary understanding of AMT, you will have found the evolutionary missing link between CPA's and bookkeepers. This is the semi-neanderthal, hunch backed bookkeeper who first stood upright to reach the office pencil sharpener. Yes accounting fans – my tax return was correct. A chair had suffered needlessly.
How many bookkeepers does it take to screw in a light bulb? No one knows. They are all still closing the books back in 1985. To be fair, how many Frank Stitely's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one – with a credit card and a phone call to a real man.
Here is a frequent conversation thread with a bookkeeper.
Me: “Are the books ready for me to begin preparing the tax returns?”
Her: “Yes”
Two days later....
Me: “I spent a little time on this, and a whole lot of stuff is missing.”
Her: “Yes, I haven't entered the credit card transactions for the year. I thought you could get started in the mean time.”
Me: “No thanks, I'll pass. I don't really feel like starting all over again in two weeks once all the numbers change.”
Here's another of my bookkeepers' greatest hits...
Her: “I don't know where you got that number on the tax return.”
Me: “I took it from the sheet you gave me.”
Her: “It's wrong.”
Me: “Was there a reason you gave me a wrong amount?”
Her: “I wasn't focused on that number at the time.”
One more just to celebrate the holiday... This one happens in October as we are running up against the absolute final filing deadline.
Her: “Here is the information for the tax return. The numbers are all screwed up.”
Me: “Why are the numbers all screwed up? Haven't you been working on them for 20 months now?”
Her: “I'm not really finished but I know the deadline is coming.”
Me: “Don't you think it might be a good idea for me to work with good numbers?”
This is just a brief sample off the top of my head as I sit in Ruby Tuesday's munching on rabbit food. Tax season just creates so much material. I lied- here's a final one to keep in spirit with the holiday.
Me: “I tried opening your QuickBooks data. I need a password.”
Her: “I don't want you changing my data.”
Me: “Last year I made twenty-seven entries to correct your numbers. What are the odds, the number will be zero this year? I'll put my money on the Redskins winning the Super Bowl instead.”
You might justifiably ask why bookkeepers get bad attitudes. Obnoxiousness becomes a defense mechanism to hide ignorance. As you can see above, it doesn't work well with me. I can tolerate lack of knowledge if it comes with a sincere desire to improve. However, when the lack of knowledge comes wrapped in a nasty attitude, I find a way to remove the offending party.
I'm greasing the skids for a bookkeeper now. Every time her boss, the owner, tries to make a decision to grow the business, she tells him everything he does always fails. She does this to protect her salary. She's making nearly six figures – way too much for what she does. Taking on any business risk is unacceptable to her regardless of the potential payoff for the owner. I can only imagine being married to her – waking up every morning to someone telling me anything I do that day will fail. Trust me, she's on her way out the door now. I'm good at this. I can be Tony Soprano. She better have gills. She'll sleep with the fishes soon.
OK, you think I've been a little harsh. Tax season does that to me. I promise you a future installment where I show you how to find a truly excellent bookkeeper. They are out there, but they can be tough to find. You'll have to kiss a lot of frogs, but a princess is out there somewhere. If she happens to look like Jennifer Aniston, I get to kiss her first.
Now that tax season is over, on Sunday morning I find myself alone in the house with no one for company except for Jack Russell terrier, Sidney. Whooo hooo!!! To celebrate, I am running naked through the house farting and picking my nose. Sidney is joining me except, for obvious reasons, she can't pick her nose. Instead she's licking herself in places I can't dream of reaching.
Thanks for reading! For real tax and accounting advice, please visit our real S&K web site www.skcpas.com.
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